Bye 2017, Hello 2018

Time flies! I’m sure by now every country in the world has started another year. But I really just want to highlight what my 2017 was and how grateful I am for everything that has happened, both ups and downs. It truly has been a year of letting go and rebuilding myself, a year of realisations and self-reflections and a year of different experiences.

I started my year not knowing what the future had in store for me. I had no goals coming into the year 2017. It felt to me as if it was just another year – I really did not think much of it. Although I did look forward to travelling earlier that year and boy, am I glad that I experienced that trip with my family.

Let’s get sidetracked for a moment here, hahaha! Ever since moving to Australia, my family rare went on long trips. The longest would be at least 3 days but it’s not really even a family trip because we’re usually with others. My parents don’t work your regular 9-5 due to the nature of their jobs. Anyway, at the beginning of the year I travelled to the Philippines with my family and had a day and a half stop over at Singapore.

 

P1010151
Love, love, love this shot of my parents while we were waiting to board our flight. Silhouettes really make moments look intimate. When I took this shot, it made me admire my parents and their relationship. Not even us, their kids, could break the bond they have.

 

P1010532
Here’s an awkward photo of my family. Although my mom will kill me if she finds out that I posted a photo of her. Hehe!

The following photos are taken by my brother because my files got corrupted midway the trip and I lost the files I got from Singapore *CRYING LOUDLY*. </3

16176641_1350212614999783_1776217893_n
Here’s me nature modelling. Low quality coz downloaded from fb.
16684050_1373602669327444_4449143602582859042_n
When my people crowd the streets to watch local performers but not when celebrities are in town. Classic Baguio!
#1010652
Excuse the face and my growing side shave
#1010686
Bomod-ok Falls in Sagada
16711856_1373623032658741_5248860507603590487_n
The massive Merloin in Sentosa
16708567_1373620899325621_4116080778132837043_n
Sentosa shot from a far, man it looked magical in real life
IMG_9509
So glad my brother took this shot of me taking a shot of my mom in SG’s botanic garden
IMG_9516
Singapore streets
IMG_9526
I have a shot in front of Marina Bay but had to squarify it, so I’ll use this instead

Around April this month, my auntie came to visit us and we toured her around as well. From Phillip Island to some touristy spots in the city to Melbourne’s Marina Bay, like I didn’t even know we had one. I just classified that area as Docklands, haha. I made a video when we went to Phillip Island and areas of Melbourne. Streets took most of the cuts in the vid because I wanted to dismiss the idea that we are surrounded by kangaroos and desert land. Yes, parts of Australia are but we are a civilised nation too. You also get to see me when I still had blue hair HAHA.

I wish had more travel stories to share through videos but sadly I don’t. My travels lasted only in the first quarter of the year. Afterwards, my days were just filled with uni, work and church stuff. Although, I did enjoy it because this year was filled with food hangouts with friends. Work also has been abundantly providing this year. Survived most of my shenanigans coz I had work. I enjoyed going out coz I had money to spend haha. Waldas kaya walang savings! I also enjoyed stay-ins coz it felt satisfying, like I earned being a couch potato once in a while since I’ve been working non-stop.

I had so much I had to say when I was planning to write this blog but now that I am writing again (it was left as a draft), I’m stuck on what to write. The gist of it all is that although 2017 wasn’t the best (since when were the previous years the best anyway? HAHA), I am grateful for the lessons it has given me. The biggest revelation 2017 gave me is something I have been struggling to come into terms with for the longest time and that is my faith. It still bugs me at times but after acknowledging it, I don’t feel as burdened anymore. I shouldn’t leave it as is because I know the consequences. So my 2018 goal is to understand and study the Word, like a toddler starting kindergarten.

I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it. And even now you are not yet ready, for you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way?

1 Corinthians 3:2-3

This speaks so much of where I am at in life. I am not ready, because my heart chose to be of this world and I am having a hard time to let go of that, so dedicating this year to let God work in my life again; for Him to change my selfish and sinful ways.

Anyway, that got too personal. But I spent and welcomed 2018 away from my parents. I had the privilege to watch live fireworks when the clock striked 12. Although we were a bit far from the fireworks, it still looked gobsmacking majestic. Hope you enjoyed the fireworks too, live or on TV.

I wish you all the best this year. May you be able to fulfill your heart’s desire and do things you’ve been itching to do this year!

Much love,

B x

 

Advertisements

“Life is short”

So many times, we often hear this phrase. People use it differently, for different occasions or events in their life to encourage or reiterate that we shouldn’t live our lives stagnantly; just repeating the same cycle.

Death is inevitable. Just this week, I’ve heard two already and it’s only Wednesday. One person is a friend of a friend that he wanted prayer for when the guy went missing from his recent bushwalking trip and the other hit closer to home – an old university friend.

Before changing degrees to Education, I was doing a different course located at a different uni. There I met people from different parts of Australia, who became my lifesavers when it came to online quizzes in Chem and Bio and also the ones who made the transition from highschool better and smoother. Just today, I congratulated a friend who recently graduated from my previous university. Just today as well, I found out about the death of one of my friends when I was there. Although I didn’t spend much time with them, as I only stayed there for a year, it still is unsettling to know that he has passed away. When, how or why, I have no idea yet but memories of him just came flashing back. My heart is heavy but I can’t cry.

C.Y. May you rest in peace.

Save Me (K-drama)

I started watching Save Me while I’m waiting for the last few episodes of Black, another K-drama. I do not also feel compelled to write about the K-dramas I am currently watching because it takes time to jot down my thoughts on it and much rather not disrupt the bubble I’m in when watching these shows.

I came across ‘Save Me’ when what was showing was only up to episode 2. I’m the type of person who’d rather be late with watching shows than waiting each week for a new episode. Hence, I waited it out and forgot about the show. It was only recently that I remembered it because I have no shows that I delt like watching. ‘Save Me’ also is more towards the psycholigical thriller genre, which I liked but I favoured the mystery/crime genre more. However, the one of main protagonist in ‘Save Me’ is Ok Taecyeon, so it’s a must watch, hehehehe!


Update: I left this post as draft 2 days ago but I finally finished watching Save Me today. Like what most people who have watched this series concluded, the ending was a satisfying one, especially with how the story panned out. It’s not your typical happy ending where everything was resolved and everyone returned to their normal lives after being affected by a cult but the ending was ‘perfect’. As Ok Taecyeon is entering the military this year, I liked that the ending of his character somewhat connected to his current life situation.

“Save Me” is categorised as a horror-thriller TV series revolving heavily on a religious cult. This series also tackles how dark and inhumane human beings can be just to obtain what they want. In a way, it explores different ways people deal with tragedy or circumstances that would have an ultimatum.

I felt so bad for Seo Ye Ji’s character. It’s sickening and heart-breaking what she had to get through because of the decisions of people around her. Although her character build up was a bit rushed for me, I applaud her for the excellent portrayal of Im Sang Mi. Her flawless delivery of lines while in the midst of a heavy drama scene and bucket loads of tears was really impressive.

The main antagonist, Baek Jung Ki or also known as ‘Spiritual Father’, tops all the otehr antagonists I’ve ever watched before. It makes your blood boil how someone can be such a smooth-talker but also sinister, at the same time. I must say though that his acting is probably one of the reasons the audience get hooked because they wonder how he gets taken down in the end, or will he? *No spoilers*

Apart from the dark theme throughout the whole series, I love the element of friendship that was added here. It shows the extreme bond of 4 young men amidst the trial and adversity they face as they try and save Sang Mi from the religious cult she can’t truly escape from.

I’m not good at writing reviews but here are some of my thoughts when and after I watched the show. If you’re looking for romance though, this does not have it. Maybe a bit of tension between some characters but I won’t classify it even as ‘slight romance’. Comedy is also not seen here. You somewhat have to be mentally prepared to watch it if it’s not your typical genre to watch because of what the show tackles. I think most of it is exposed during the first 5 episodes because the episodes following the first 5 are less ‘blood boiling’ and more of the original story point, which is saving Sang Mi.

Lastly, I just want to say that although they tackled about religion, we should not assume that religious organisations are all cults. Some are and some aren’t. Further research is needed for one to classify a church or religious organisation as a cult. Apart from that, I hope that you may also come to enjoy the series like how I did. 🙂

Image result for save me korean

You can find the series here.

B x

Reality check

Here we are, alone, just my thoughts and I. I haven’t felt like this for a while. I don’t even have a term for it. It’s the feeling of wanting to cry, shout and wanting happiness. But I can’t have any. I just feel lousy and unmotivated to do anything. It’s as if I wake up, go to work, come back home and stay in my room then the same cycle repeats itself. Weekends have become my enemy because I don’t have any long-term distraction from all the built up sadness inside me. I often think of how I can get out of this, how I can just get back up because I don’t like this version of me. I don’t want to hit rock bottom again. Although, I’m not denying that I have those recurring thoughts of wanting to vanish. But at the same time, I’m scared. I want to live but die at the same time. It’s suffocating that I don’t even understand what’s going on inside. 

Well, I do have an idea why I’ve hit this slump again. Growing up, I was exposed to God. Don’t get me wrong, I do know that He is real. But the problem is, I have come to terms recently that I am not saved. It’s saddening and scary putting it into writing. Salvation is not earned but accepted and then lived by. When I was doing one of my self-reflection moments, I came to realise that possibly, maybe, I never accepted. I just started kidding myself because I feel the pressure of needing to be called “saved”. My parents would often question me when I was younger so to avoid the questioning, I would just take part of the communion. I know they meant well when they asked but maybe it’s the ego inside me of not wanting to ask for help or guidance from my parents. I often wondered why the people I know who have been saved can keep their faith even when they fall because when I was the one who fell, it takes ages for me to want to commit again. I thought I just backslid often because I was weak in the flesh but really, it was all my self-denial of not wanting to accept that I am not saved. 

A defective “Christian”. A hypocrite. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. A pretender.

I feel so suffocated because I can’t even tell this to anyone who can actually help me. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to be questioned. I don’t want to be criticised. I told one person, but in all honesty, I feel like we both are in the same boat. We both cannot fully commit to the Christian lifestyle. It’s difficult. 

I often ask myself why I can’t accept. I feel no burning urge to be saved. But at the same time, I want to. They say we do not work for our salvation, then why can’t I have that moment too – the moment of full acceptance that I am a sinner in need of a Saviour. Why can’t I have that too, wherein my emotions do not cloud my judgement, making me think that I am saved?

I’ve done too many proclamations of salvation and I hope that my “false” salvation confession do not taint someone’s view of Christianity. I do not want to tarnish how non-believers see Christ-believers because of how my life has been during the past 22 years.

This is the root of all the indescribable emotions I am currently feeling. I seriously do not know what to do anymore. I want to detach myself from serving in the church because I have come to terms with my current standpoint. I want to tell someone but I’m scared. 

I’m lost. 

Teaching tensions

I.am.not.ready.

Inasmuch as my confidence level with performing is soaring above the skies, the opposite is what I can say about my confidence when it comes to teaching.

I just returned from an interview with my placement next year and also met my mentor teacher. I requested to be placed in high primary and I got it. But after I met my mentor teacher, I don’t think I’m ready to even have my placement there next year. Whenever I go for placements (OJT or internship is the closest explanation I can give), it just further reinforces my uncertainty in this chosen career.

I.dont.know.anymore.

A lot of personal insecurities arise when I do my placements. My ability of speak in English is one of them. I can speak, however, at times, I still feel that I lack enough vocabulary to express myself and teach the necessary content. I question myself, ‘Is this really for me?’, ‘Am I really meant for teaching?’. I’m going for my final year next year and this is the moment that I feel the most doubtful about my capabilities as a pre-service teacher. To be honest, I am more confident about doing my placement overseas than I am in here, locally.

Most my mentors have been really critical and that is by no means bad, in fact, I think it is beneficial, but at times, it crushes my tiny self esteem. It further makes me lose confidence ya’know.

Teaching is truly not for the faint-hearted. Maybe that should be step 1 for me.

What image best describes me atm:

Image result for pulling of hair silhouette

Life update

I’ve been neglecting this blog for nearly a year and a half, right when I have my own domain. I don’t even have any reason for this. I just prioritise watching my Kdramas after work, sorry blog.

I just came home from a late lunch with a friend and I was telling her how I am itching to travel. My initial plans, around Nov or Dec this year, were to return to Singapore and stay for at least 2 weeks. I also wanted to go to Japan, if you just knew how much I want to go. But in comparison to Singapore, Melbourne to Japan is just wayyy more expensive. I also wanted to experience Japan with someone, have some insta photos taken ya’know. That’s kinda difficult to do by yourself unless you’re a pro photographer, which I am not. So Japan, for now, is postponed until the end of next year or early next, next year, so I can go to their temples and fulfil my anime fantasy of wearing a kimono and making a wish in their temple. I’d insert a photo but I can’t find the anime where my “anime fantasy” is from, sarrehhh. 

Since I found out that the person I was supposedly going with can’t go to Japan this year, due to schedule clashes, I opted for Singapore instead, which I do not mind going by myself. Since I’m not really there for the scenery but rather the food, HAHAHA! However, this year, I received an email from my faculty that they are offering international placements again. I missed the submission for Semester 1, so when I received an email for Semester 2, I signed up straight away. I got an interview spot. Long story short, I did the interview but the interview felt like a massive failure. A part of me was still expecting but a bigger part of me was thinking that wasn’t going to get in, especially with how badly I did my interview.

Few dreadful weeks passed, I was just itching to know whether I got in so I know where to allot the money I have saved for travelling since doing the international placement (aka internship or OJT) is not free. We still have to raise funds to pay for our tickets, travel insurance and accommodation. I finally got an email around early September, the interview was around early August. The first line was:

Congratulations!

ASDIFBSDUFBDIUFB!!! I GOT IN!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I WAS!!! I kept re-reading the email, letting it sink in. Out of the 200+ participants and the very small amount of students who are allowed to go to the countries offered, I got it. My brother was the only one who was at home that time, so I went to his room, squealing! I tried calling my parents but my call didn’t go through so I messaged them instead. I was just ecstatic. So again, Singapore trip is postponed because I do need quite a big amount for this placement. I was planning on going to Singapore after the 3-week placement, for 2 weeks but opted not too, since I felt like it would just drain me so much. Especially since I’m not just going to my placement country to travel but also teach. Having a language barrier on top of being in a new environment would be super draining for me, since having placements in here is already draining enough. So the Singapore trip will be sometime in the near future but not early next year. We’ll see, I will definitely save up for Japan and Singapore for my next travel experience after this international placement.

I will update again, when it’s closer to the departure date and say where I am going and also blog and/or vlog my experience there. 😀

I am an excited keed.

‘Till next time. I will also make a blog soon about my Japanese learning experience and tips for people who are planning to learn, although I am not a quite good yet, I’ll try and share my experiences.

Have an awesome week ahead and yay for the long weekend due to Melbourne Cup! x

 

Untitled thoughts

I often tell you to not worry about when he will come into your life. You’re young and have time to find the one meant for you, when you are more stable in life. You have your studies to focus on and dreams you have yet achieved. When you tell me you’re lonely and I spout rational thoughts on why you should focus on yourself first. It sounds selfish, but you need it. However, when night time falls and I am alone with my own thoughts, I feel the loneliness you talk about. Not often but I have my days. Those sleepless nights when you just want to talk to someone about your day. A person with a much deeper connection beyond a friend. I know, I really know what that feels like. But I also know that my heart is truly not ready. Love has more weight to it now that I have experienced it because it’s not as easy as just having butterflies for that someone but also maintaining those butterflies as lively when you first had them, if not more.