Reality check

Here we are, alone, just my thoughts and I. I haven’t felt like this for a while. I don’t even have a term for it. It’s the feeling of wanting to cry, shout and wanting happiness. But I can’t have any. I just feel lousy and unmotivated to do anything. It’s as if I wake up, go to work, come back home and stay in my room then the same cycle repeats itself. Weekends have become my enemy because I don’t have any long-term distraction from all the built up sadness inside me. I often think of how I can get out of this, how I can just get back up because I don’t like this version of me. I don’t want to hit rock bottom again. Although, I’m not denying that I have those recurring thoughts of wanting to vanish. But at the same time, I’m scared. I want to live but die at the same time. It’s suffocating that I don’t even understand what’s going on inside. 

Well, I do have an idea why I’ve hit this slump again. Growing up, I was exposed to God. Don’t get me wrong, I do know that He is real. But the problem is, I have come to terms recently that I am not saved. It’s saddening and scary putting it into writing. Salvation is not earned but accepted and then lived by. When I was doing one of my self-reflection moments, I came to realise that possibly, maybe, I never accepted. I just started kidding myself because I feel the pressure of needing to be called “saved”. My parents would often question me when I was younger so to avoid the questioning, I would just take part of the communion. I know they meant well when they asked but maybe it’s the ego inside me of not wanting to ask for help or guidance from my parents. I often wondered why the people I know who have been saved can keep their faith even when they fall because when I was the one who fell, it takes ages for me to want to commit again. I thought I just backslid often because I was weak in the flesh but really, it was all my self-denial of not wanting to accept that I am not saved. 

A defective “Christian”. A hypocrite. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. A pretender.

I feel so suffocated because I can’t even tell this to anyone who can actually help me. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to be questioned. I don’t want to be criticised. I told one person, but in all honesty, I feel like we both are in the same boat. We both cannot fully commit to the Christian lifestyle. It’s difficult. 

I often ask myself why I can’t accept. I feel no burning urge to be saved. But at the same time, I want to. They say we do not work for our salvation, then why can’t I have that moment too – the moment of full acceptance that I am a sinner in need of a Saviour. Why can’t I have that too, wherein my emotions do not cloud my judgement, making me think that I am saved?

I’ve done too many proclamations of salvation and I hope that my “false” salvation confession do not taint someone’s view of Christianity. I do not want to tarnish how non-believers see Christ-believers because of how my life has been during the past 22 years.

This is the root of all the indescribable emotions I am currently feeling. I seriously do not know what to do anymore. I want to detach myself from serving in the church because I have come to terms with my current standpoint. I want to tell someone but I’m scared. 

I’m lost. 


Teaching tensions

Inasmuch as my confidence level with performing is soaring above the skies, the opposite is what I can say about my confidence when it comes to teaching.

I just returned from an interview with my placement next year and also met my mentor teacher. I requested to be placed in high primary and I got it. But after I met my mentor teacher, I don’t think I’m ready to even have my placement there next year. Whenever I go for placements (OJT or internship is the closest explanation I can give), it just further reinforces my uncertainty in this chosen career.


A lot of personal insecurities arise when I do my placements. My ability of speak in English is one of them. I can speak, however, at times, I still feel that I lack enough vocabulary to express myself and teach the necessary content. I question myself, ‘Is this really for me?’, ‘Am I really meant for teaching?’. I’m going for my final year next year and this is the moment that I feel the most doubtful about my capabilities as a pre-service teacher. To be honest, I am more confident about doing my placement overseas than I am in here, locally.

Most my mentors have been really critical and that is by no means bad, in fact, I think it is beneficial, but at times, it crushes my tiny self esteem. It further makes me lose confidence ya’know.

Teaching is truly not for the faint-hearted. Maybe that should be step 1 for me.

What image best describes me atm:

Image result for pulling of hair silhouette

Life update

I’ve been neglecting this blog for nearly a year and a half, right when I have my own domain. I don’t even have any reason for this. I just prioritise watching my Kdramas after work, sorry blog.

I just came home from a late lunch with a friend and I was telling her how I am itching to travel. My initial plans, around Nov or Dec this year, were to return to Singapore and stay for at least 2 weeks. I also wanted to go to Japan, if you just knew how much I want to go. But in comparison to Singapore, Melbourne to Japan is just wayyy more expensive. I also wanted to experience Japan with someone, have some insta photos taken ya’know. That’s kinda difficult to do by yourself unless you’re a pro photographer, which I am not. So Japan, for now, is postponed until the end of next year or early next, next year, so I can go to their temples and fulfil my anime fantasy of wearing a kimono and making a wish in their temple. I’d insert a photo but I can’t find the anime where my “anime fantasy” is from, sarrehhh. 

Since I found out that the person I was supposedly going with can’t go to Japan this year, due to schedule clashes, I opted for Singapore instead, which I do not mind going by myself. Since I’m not really there for the scenery but rather the food, HAHAHA! However, this year, I received an email from my faculty that they are offering international placements again. I missed the submission for Semester 1, so when I received an email for Semester 2, I signed up straight away. I got an interview spot. Long story short, I did the interview but the interview felt like a massive failure. A part of me was still expecting but a bigger part of me was thinking that wasn’t going to get in, especially with how badly I did my interview.

Few dreadful weeks passed, I was just itching to know whether I got in so I know where to allot the money I have saved for travelling since doing the international placement (aka internship or OJT) is not free. We still have to raise funds to pay for our tickets, travel insurance and accommodation. I finally got an email around early September, the interview was around early August. The first line was:


ASDIFBSDUFBDIUFB!!! I GOT IN!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I WAS!!! I kept re-reading the email, letting it sink in. Out of the 200+ participants and the very small amount of students who are allowed to go to the countries offered, I got it. My brother was the only one who was at home that time, so I went to his room, squealing! I tried calling my parents but my call didn’t go through so I messaged them instead. I was just ecstatic. So again, Singapore trip is postponed because I do need quite a big amount for this placement. I was planning on going to Singapore after the 3-week placement, for 2 weeks but opted not too, since I felt like it would just drain me so much. Especially since I’m not just going to my placement country to travel but also teach. Having a language barrier on top of being in a new environment would be super draining for me, since having placements in here is already draining enough. So the Singapore trip will be sometime in the near future but not early next year. We’ll see, I will definitely save up for Japan and Singapore for my next travel experience after this international placement.

I will update again, when it’s closer to the departure date and say where I am going and also blog and/or vlog my experience there. 😀

I am an excited keed.

‘Till next time. I will also make a blog soon about my Japanese learning experience and tips for people who are planning to learn, although I am not a quite good yet, I’ll try and share my experiences.

Have an awesome week ahead and yay for the long weekend due to Melbourne Cup! x


Untitled thoughts

I often tell you to not worry about when he will come into your life. You’re young and have time to find the one meant for you, when you are more stable in life. You have your studies to focus on and dreams you have yet achieved. When you tell me you’re lonely and I spout rational thoughts on why you should focus on yourself first. It sounds selfish, but you need it. However, when night time falls and I am alone with my own thoughts, I feel the loneliness you talk about. Not often but I have my days. Those sleepless nights when you just want to talk to someone about your day. A person with a much deeper connection beyond a friend. I know, I really know what that feels like. But I also know that my heart is truly not ready. Love has more weight to it now that I have experienced it because it’s not as easy as just having butterflies for that someone but also maintaining those butterflies as lively when you first had them, if not more.

“I’m over it..”

A line I use when my friends doubt whether I have truly moved on from my past relationship. To be honest, I feel like I have but due to the impact that person has made in my life, there are times when I can’t stop but just reminisce and replay a certain memory in my mind. During these times, I feel both gratefulness and regret. Regret because I have lost a person who was once special to me, a best friend embodied as a(n ex) boyfriend. Yet at the same time, I am also grateful.

Being detached from that relationship allowed for personal growth, in many aspects of my life. Because I was so comfortable with his company, I did not actively seek for friendship as I am the type of person who can live with just having a handful of friends. I felt like because I had him, I did not need anybody else, which btw is not a great thought, you need other people in your life to add different flavours to your life. Apart from making friends, I also grabbed other opportunities offered to me, either work or school, that I did not take beforehand because I’d rather spend time with him than devote my time to other things. Again, not the best decision because you need to grow as an individual. Yes, you obviously need to spend time with your special someone but they should not take over your life. It is always good to have that balance.

Likewise, I believe that our separation has also allowed him to personally grow. I obviously can’t speak much for him but I hope that it has also impacted him positively, in a way.

My feelings for him would always just be in relation to nostalgia but the intensity which once was there has slowly faded as I slowly developed the person I am today.

Sorry, that was my friend..

How many times have we used this excuse to get away from an awkward situation we created for ourselves? Personally, too many times.

I’m currently reading through this Diply list of 24 people who spoke too soon and got slapped with embarrassment and one particular scenario caught my attention because I’ve done it too many times when I was younger if I wanted to avoid an awkward situation or I said something I regretted just as soon as I said it. I don’t quite remember what I said but I remember the feeling of just wanting to disappear due to intense embarrassment. I suddenly remembered something though. So once upon a time, young me was flirting with someone online and by young, I mean YOUNG, like 14/15- young.

I really liked the guy at that time and being the love-stricken young teenager I was, I wanted to know whether he liked me too. Because I am not the type who likes being direct, I had my “friend” pretend to be my boyfriend. After a few exchanges after, I said, “Sorry, my friend was just joking around.”

LOL, remembering that scenario just makes me cringe. It’s such a lame excuse to use too and to think that some people fell for this excuse, I can’t..


A letter from the future to the past

Dear young one,

By now you have realised many things in life that you never once would’ve believe or think of. You see many perspectives differently and appreciate more of what and who you have.

Judge less. First impressions have lasting impacts however, let it not stop you from knowing that person. We all have our stories to tell and each day is different. Someone might be ecstatic one day but complete different the next. Give them a chance; do not close your doors too quickly.

Be humble. Don’t think that you’re better than someone just because you may be intellectually better. We all have our differences, don’t look down on people just because you are of a different wavelength.

Love more. Stop the intense bitterness if you don’t get something your way. Life does not work to always benefit you. The world does not rotate around you. Also, love the unloved. You grew up with loving parents. It was just that your definition of love was too close-minded. It was always centred your wants but not what could be better for you. I wish you knew this earlier to be able to apply it in your life. It is easier than have grudges or bitterness.

From your future self