Here we are, alone, just my thoughts and I. I haven’t felt like this for a while. I don’t even have a term for it. It’s the feeling of wanting to cry, shout and wanting happiness. But I can’t have any. I just feel lousy and unmotivated to do anything. It’s as if I wake up, go to work, come back home and stay in my room then the same cycle repeats itself. Weekends have become my enemy because I don’t have any long-term distraction from all the built up sadness inside me. I often think of how I can get out of this, how I can just get back up because I don’t like this version of me. I don’t want to hit rock bottom again. Although, I’m not denying that I have those recurring thoughts of wanting to vanish. But at the same time, I’m scared. I want to live but die at the same time. It’s suffocating that I don’t even understand what’s going on inside.
Well, I do have an idea why I’ve hit this slump again. Growing up, I was exposed to God. Don’t get me wrong, I do know that He is real. But the problem is, I have come to terms recently that I am not saved. It’s saddening and scary putting it into writing. Salvation is not earned but accepted and then lived by. When I was doing one of my self-reflection moments, I came to realise that possibly, maybe, I never accepted. I just started kidding myself because I feel the pressure of needing to be called “saved”. My parents would often question me when I was younger so to avoid the questioning, I would just take part of the communion. I know they meant well when they asked but maybe it’s the ego inside me of not wanting to ask for help or guidance from my parents. I often wondered why the people I know who have been saved can keep their faith even when they fall because when I was the one who fell, it takes ages for me to want to commit again. I thought I just backslid often because I was weak in the flesh but really, it was all my self-denial of not wanting to accept that I am not saved.
A defective “Christian”. A hypocrite. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. A pretender.
I feel so suffocated because I can’t even tell this to anyone who can actually help me. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to be questioned. I don’t want to be criticised. I told one person, but in all honesty, I feel like we both are in the same boat. We both cannot fully commit to the Christian lifestyle. It’s difficult.
I often ask myself why I can’t accept. I feel no burning urge to be saved. But at the same time, I want to. They say we do not work for our salvation, then why can’t I have that moment too – the moment of full acceptance that I am a sinner in need of a Saviour. Why can’t I have that too, wherein my emotions do not cloud my judgement, making me think that I am saved?
I’ve done too many proclamations of salvation and I hope that my “false” salvation confession do not taint someone’s view of Christianity. I do not want to tarnish how non-believers see Christ-believers because of how my life has been during the past 22 years.
This is the root of all the indescribable emotions I am currently feeling. I seriously do not know what to do anymore. I want to detach myself from serving in the church because I have come to terms with my current standpoint. I want to tell someone but I’m scared.