It’s been a long time. I don’t think I can ever utilise this blog, haha, sorry.
I’ve been gone and I have really updated. I wanted to express a lot of my thoughts, especially these past few months but I’m trying to not write anything that will make me regret or make me sound like I’m a very lonely person (although, it’s true haha).
Anyway, this year has been super stressful and I’ve hit rock bottom again with my emotions. The last time I’ve been that down was the year 2011. I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about it but have self-harmed before (which please, if you ever come across this, please seek help). I’m not a social butterfly and I’m not one who shares a lot of my struggles with people but please have a person to talk to and if you really don’t have any, please search a local organisation who will and can provide you support regarding mental health.
As I’m typing those words, I feel like a hypocrite, because I am. I never spoke to anyone when I had moments when I felt like giving up. I understand the feeling of not wanting to burden anyone. When I hit rock-bottom around May-June this year, I literally stayed in my room, to the point that I just wanted to be eaten by the ground alive. I had a lot of worries, my mind was a mess, I hated people and got irritated easily. It was the worst. I was scared of my own thoughts because of how ready I was to just leave. Luckily, a part of me was still a bit sane and was conscious of the people around me. Never was it easy for the people left behind.
At the same time when this was all happening, I started getting back into K-pop. I know, so random, but that was what happened. I got to know two groups and some of their members have tattoos. It’s crazy to think about it but I was able to slowly shift my focus to these two groups instead. I still had thoughts but they were not as intense anymore. I used to be skeptical of people who kept surviving because they became fans of so and so but as crazy as it sounds, that’s how it was for me. Although others may never understand, we all have different ways as to how we live our lives or different ways on how we cope with our own personal struggles, this was how I dealt with mine. It’s a very shallow goal but to be honest, the only goal that kept me going was to meet them these two groups and a week or so later, it was announced that they were doing an Asia tour. So guess who’s flying overseas to watch.. of course, me.
That was a bit side-tracked but the reason why I had to add it in is that that’s how I dealt with my own thoughts. Yes, I lack resilience too and I’m working on that. But going back to the topic of tattoos, I suddenly became attracted to them. I was never a fan of tattoos. I have multiple ear piercings (14 in total) and usually, if you have multiple piercings, you must have tattoos as well, right? (WRONG… or so that was my mindset before). I never had intentions of ever getting any. However, I suddenly had an impulse to get them and of course, I did.
And because DIY is a part of my life now, I made yet another
stupid decision which is doing stick and poke. Yes I know it is not the safest hence I tried to at least order from a certified shop and not some eBay or Amazon seller, okay. None of the designs was planned. (Also before I did my DIY tattoos, I tried temporary ones first from Inkbox). There were some areas which I wanted to do my tattoos on but because it’s DIY, I can’t do it properly.
This was my first choice of what and where I wanted my tattoo to be.
That night, I ended up doing 4. They all have meaning to me, though when people see my first tattoo, they look at me like I’m crazy HAHAHA.
That was pretty much it. To summarise it all – get help when you are struggling, talk to someone and I got DIY tattoos.
I’ll update soon about my K-pop experience as a fan because it’s been crazy thus far.
Okay bye. Hope you all have been doing well 🙂