Brane

Just another space for my lingering thoughts

It’s been a long time. I don’t think I can ever utilise this blog, haha, sorry.

I’ve been gone and I have really updated. I wanted to express a lot of my thoughts, especially these past few months but I’m trying to not write anything that will make me regret or make me sound like I’m a very lonely person (although, it’s true haha).

Anyway, this year has been super stressful and I’ve hit rock bottom again with my emotions. The last time I’ve been that down was the year 2011. I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about it but have self-harmed before (which please, if you ever come across this, please seek help). I’m not a social butterfly and I’m not one who shares a lot of my struggles with people but please have a person to talk to and if you really don’t have any, please search a local organisation who will and can provide you support regarding mental health.

As I’m typing those words, I feel like a hypocrite, because I am. I never spoke to anyone when I had moments when I felt like giving up. I understand the feeling of not wanting to burden anyone. When I hit rock-bottom around May-June this year, I literally stayed in my room, to the point that I just wanted to be eaten by the ground alive. I had a lot of worries, my mind was a mess, I hated people and got irritated easily. It was the worst. I was scared of my own thoughts because of how ready I was to just leave. Luckily, a part of me was still a bit sane and was conscious of the people around me. Never was it easy for the people left behind.

At the same time when this was all happening, I started getting back into K-pop. I know, so random, but that was what happened. I got to know two groups and some of their members have tattoos. It’s crazy to think about it but I was able to slowly shift my focus to these two groups instead. I still had thoughts but they were not as intense anymore. I used to be skeptical of people who kept surviving because they became fans of so and so but as crazy as it sounds, that’s how it was for me. Although others may never understand, we all have different ways as to how we live our lives or different ways on how we cope with our own personal struggles, this was how I dealt with mine. It’s a very shallow goal but to be honest, the only goal that kept me going was to meet them these two groups and a week or so later, it was announced that they were doing an Asia tour. So guess who’s flying overseas to watch.. of course, me.

That was a bit side-tracked but the reason why I had to add it in is that that’s how I dealt with my own thoughts. Yes, I lack resilience too and I’m working on that. But going back to the topic of tattoos, I suddenly became attracted to them. I was never a fan of tattoos. I have multiple ear piercings (14 in total) and usually, if you have multiple piercings, you must have tattoos as well, right? (WRONG… or so that was my mindset before). I never had intentions of ever getting any. However, I suddenly had an impulse to get them and of course, I did.

And because DIY is a part of my life now, I made yet another stupid decision which is doing stick and poke. Yes I know it is not the safest hence I tried to at least order from a certified shop and not some eBay or Amazon seller, okay. None of the designs was planned. (Also before I did my DIY tattoos, I tried temporary ones first from Inkbox). There were some areas which I wanted to do my tattoos on but because it’s DIY, I can’t do it properly.

This was my first choice of what and where I wanted my tattoo to be.

Image result for heart tattoo on wrist

DIY makes this impossible to do though because it ends up crooked. Also I did all these tattoos at midnight… because impulse.

That night, I ended up doing 4. They all have meaning to me, though when people see my first tattoo, they look at me like I’m crazy HAHAHA.

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This was the very first. You probably understand why people think I’m crazy. It looks like a kid drew on my hand. This was actually inspired by GD’s smile tattoo. The reason why I did though was because I wanted to remind myself to smile. I tend to think more about my worries in life hence I wanted a self-reminder to smile.

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Because I couldn’t do it on my outer wrist, I decided to do it in my inner wrist. I’ve always had a thing for hearts, no other reason.

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This is probably the worst tattoo I did because of how unintentional it was but it’s the one that hurts the most because of the location (inner side of my leg just above my ankle). I initially only wanted two small ones but nah.. look at the mistakes in this HAHAHA. It doesn’t look as bad from afar though. The reason for this is each day is a new day to rise and shine. It’s a reminder for me to wake up each morning and be able to look at it positively because it’s a new day.

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This was also unintentional and the most impulsive tattoo I got. I was already pretty tired when I was doing this but I must say this is the most meaningful for me. I do regret not writing it in a different language because it’s so obvious what it is when others see it. (Location: Inner arm).

That was pretty much it. To summarise it all – get help when you are struggling, talk to someone and I got DIY tattoos.

I’ll update soon about my K-pop experience as a fan because it’s been crazy thus far.

Okay bye. Hope you all have been doing well 🙂

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I was scrolling down my Facebook feed when I came across a post from a person I met when I went on placements in Vietnam. She was able to receive a prize which would allow her to further her education overseas. What made me think as I was reading this post and others’ was how they emphasised the importance of achieving a perfect or near-perfect score in the IELTS to attain more opportunities overseas.

As my major for Arts, I undertook units which focused on how English is held on this high pedestal. A part of me understands that English is indeed essential in today’s society as globalisation is occurring. English is a lingua franca, a language needed to be able to communicate with different L1/L2 speakers. What was debated upon in the units that I took was achieving grammatical perfection when using English.

I know most Asian countries would focus on grammar and spelling when learning English, which I experienced when I was younger and when I was teaching in Vietnam. One incident that is still very vivid to this day was when the real teacher of the class (since they were monitoring our lessons) told me to pinpoint grammatical errors the students make right away. To me, this has its pros and cons. Immediate feedback would definitely be engrained in a child’s mind faster but if the child already has his/her reservations from learning English because of constant “That’s wrong” or “You’re wrong” feedback, then this will further distance them from learning the language in itself.

The main difference I realised growing up in two different countries is the emphasis that is placed when using English. In the Philippines, grammar and spelling is definitely the priority, hence you become a laughingstock when you make grammatical errors (which I believe is still seen in today, especially when I come across Facebook comments. It’s really quite toxic). While in Australia, there is a greater emphasis on your confidence to use English continuously, through writing or speaking. Of course, when writing essays, especially in primary and secondary school, grammatical mistakes will be corrected, but people don’t really correct you as much when you’re speaking. They’d rather continue the conversation than laugh or mock you. As this country is also not perfect, you will get some occasional rude person who would mock you for it but their grammar isn’t perfect as well. They just have the upper hand because of the colour of their skin or because they think they’re more superior than others.

Going back to the Facebook post I read earlier, I just wonder why English is still held in such a high pedestal to the point where others see it as open more opportunities for them to study overseas or abroad. Because even graduates from these “First World Countries” as also struggling when looking for jobs after all that ordeal in getting their bachelor or masters completed. Please enlighten me because I may be speaking from a perspective of a person who is ignorant of all these.

This compound word derives from the word “イケてる (iketeru)” meaning “to look cool,” “to look pretty” or “to look hot” plus men giving you, ikemen (イケメン).

There’s this guy in my Japanese class who I just think is gorgeous. An ‘ikemen’ as I would classify him. I realised that I am drawn to guys who are outgoing and can handle themselves well. This guy is just like that. He is well articulate and presents himself in a way that will just awe you.

I admire people who at a young age are well established, just the opposite of me. I wonder how they can just go with the flow and own it because I struggle with it everyday.

Another thing that I realised when I think of these ikemen is that they are very ‘chinito-like’. Oo, mga bes! Gwapong-gwapo ako sa mga muhkang chinito. It might be because the first thing I normally look at is someone’s eyes. Pagsumikit na yun mga mata nila pag-ngumiti, tunaw na po puso ko.

This post really has no sense to it. I just felt like I need to share my baby-crush on this guy, hahaha!

What makes you call a person your bestfriend? Is it the endless chitchats you have when you see each other? Is it the instant flow of conversations regardless of lack of time and distance? Is it the outpour of life stories, coz why keep it to yourself? Is it just having that companion who will listen to you no matter what?

So what makes you call someone ‘bestfriend’? Because to me, nowadays, I don’t think I can quite call someone that. I feel as if as I slowly enter adulthood, I have less time for people around me. They say if someone’s important, you make time. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t but you realise that suddenly one day, putting in the effort is pointless when it isn’t reciprocated.

This will now turn into a rant so leave now if you don’t feel like reading it hahaha.

With this particular ‘bestfriend’ I’ve had countless of complications with and most I have confronted with her, coz it’s toxic for me to just keep it in. But an occurring problem between us is time. I see and communicate more with my highschool friend than with her. Then after a few months, I find out all these things about her. I mean, I’m not asking her to spill all the beans but don’t keep me in the dark while other people know about all your personal sheninegans. It’s so frustrating because I feel like I’m being left out. Maybe I’m overreacting and all but come on! I’m just so frustrated with how you’re treating this friendship.

Okay bye.

It’s been 2 months since I came back from Vietnam and boy, was it an experience. Where do I even begin? I want to be as transparent with my experience as possible because I have had good days and A LOT of bad days but before I continue, I made a short video on some of my experiences in Vietnam, particularly HCMC.

 

If you decided on watching the video, I hope you enjoy. Now let’s talk about my day-to-day experiences during my stay there. Let me just clear something out, I did not go there to travel. That wasn’t the purpose of me going there, although I do not mind going back for a week to travel more of HCMC. Earlier last year, I received an email from my faculty offering a placement experience overseas. I’ve been wanting to do this ever since I entered university. I wanted to take my education and do it in a country I’ve never been to before. Although my case was not particularly related to my actual studies, as it was more for experience, I still went for it. At the end of the whole process, I was on my way to Vietnam, with 5 other girls.

The first thing I had to adjust to was the humidity. I was sweating puddles after I stepped out of the airport. It’s somewhat similar to Manila’s humidity and I hated it for the first week because I was so sticky before it was even noon. I didn’t even bother what I looked anymore, so most of the photos taken I was sweaty and looking very haggard. I brought makeup and everything to look presentable on days I was in school but I can’t even use it because the humidity was just too much that I had to keep wiping my face, so really there was no point to it.

Another thing I had to get used to is crossing wherever and whenever I needed to cross. Like in Vietnam, the Philippines do not have strict rules when it comes to crossing and you’d think I’d be okay with it since I grew up in the Philippines but I’ve become accustomed to following pedestrians rules that not having any rules make me panic.

There were a lot more things I had to adjust to but those two were my main ones.

Before I start this, I just want to say that I am not really comparing or finding the differences between TV Shows now and back then, rather it’s more about my change of perspective.

Growing up, I was a fan of TV shows that are directed towards teenagers. I used to watch Hannah Montana, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Wizards of Waverly Place and other Disney shows. Likewise, I was into Japanese dramas and animes revolving around the characters school life. But like how the people who once played these characters grew, my love for this shows also outgrew. I don’t find them as appealing anymore and it even gets to the point to me cringing at how these “teenagers” act.

It’s not as entertaining anymore. I don’t get the same giddy feeling I get when the characters I root for are becoming more romantic towards each other. I only realised this when ads on this new coming-of-age Disney show pop up my feed.

Somewhat odd that something I used to enjoy is being disregarded. Is this one of the things you go through when you become an adult O.O.

I just wanted to share that. Just a quick drop by.

Let’s talk insecurities. I’m sure everyone has their own pile of insecurities. My biggest one thus far is my weight.

“So if you’re so concerned about your weight, why not lose it?”

Fair point. But let me be real here, FOOD IS LIFE! Food, to me, is everything. It’s my biggest comfort during my darkest days, apart from K-dramas and crying of course. Seriously though, growing up, I learnt to never, NEVER, throw away food even when I dislike it (except for maybe cheesecakes, coz that stuff is super bleurgh).

Health conscious people always tell me to just stop eating when I’m full or feel like I’m about to or to just not stack my plate (but I also eat with my eyes, so curse the person who makes it look presentable).

To be honest, though, I have dieted (which worked) and gymed (which again worked), but I just have too many excuses for myself. I admit that I have brought it upon myself to get to this point and now I am going through a self-loathing phase when I see my body in the mirror. It truly boils down to motivation and self-discipline.

i lack both

Where is this heading? Well, recently, it seems like there is a big push on #bodypositivity. And hey, I’m all for that. Different shapes and sizes shouldn’t be ridiculed in public just because it does not conform to the norm. What I’m against are social media influencers who are pushing for body positivity but live an unhealthy lifestyle. May that be to starve yourself or eat ridiculous amounts of meals in one day.

I do not claim to be perfect because I am guilty when it comes to living an unhealthy lifestyle. I am not conscious of what I put in my body, but I just wish young girls who follow these influencers recognise whether something is healthy or unhealthy.

I am insecure about my weight and how I look but I do not want to be a part of a #bodypositive community just so I can justify my unhealthy lifestyle.

I wish that made sense.